If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
