Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
