sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
