I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
