and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
