You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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