Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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