So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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