I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
