I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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