thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
