I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
