Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
