Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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