Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
