Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
