I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
