If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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