I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
