The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
