i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
