I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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