we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize