Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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