He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
