no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I AM VODKA MAN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
