you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
