Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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