I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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