It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
