There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
