You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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