Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
