Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
