the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
