Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize