I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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