I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
