just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
