I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Alive.
So much puke
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
