There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
