I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
