I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize