me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
