i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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