are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize