I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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