just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
