so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
