yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
