If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
