hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
