You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
