quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
