Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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