so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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