I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
