Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
