Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
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